Ouch! Well, there goes that plan.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

It's been a rough week, once again. After my last post I did a lot of soul searching of what I really wanted, what would make me happy and what needs to be done. I'm still figuring some things out, but I think I have a plan. The good news was that I had committed myself to start exercising everyday and be able to work into some sort of routine. Well, that didn't last long. Saturday morning, I went out for a nice bike ride. The birds were chirping, the weather was perfect and I was peddling happily along. As I hit the final hill on the trail before the last bit home I knew I wasn't going to make it but I wanted to try to get at least half way up that hill so I pushed and was on my way until I felt a significant "pop" in my back. I knew at that point I had pulled that same damn back muscle that tends to go out on me from time to time and that it was going to be painful. I managed to stop and get off the bike, then walk the rest of the way up the hill. By that time, the pain had set in and I didn't know if I was going to make it back home, but I had no choice because I was alone on the bike trail with no phone to call for help. I gathered my strength and got back on that bike and rode the last mile home about as slow as I've ever ridden. Luckily, my neighbor was outside and came by to say hi when I got home. When I told him I had pulled my back, he took my bike from me and took it in the house so I wouldn't have to wrestle the 50lb beast by myself. Thank you Patrick! When I got inside, I was in so much pain and was so angry that I went to the bedroom to find the husband and to lie down. I then broke down and cried harder than I have in a very long time. The pain from the injury the anger from all my plans being halted and the frustration of wanting to create a better life from me being stripped away from me like a punishment for doing something good.

The rest of the day was spent lying in the bed in the second bedroom watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. I felt I deserved it. Life had just thrown me yet another curve ball in a life of curve balls and just when I thought I knew how to swing it was "strike 3 you're out!" (hey look, I made a baseball reference!) It wasn't until the end of the day when Tate couldn't take it any longer told me that my current frame of mind wasn't helping anything and only making me feel worse. Of course, it took a while longer to get through my thick skull, but he was right. I was just making myself feel worse instead of concentrating on healing and moving forward.

The accident happened on Saturday, it is now Thursday and I am still hobbling along. I didn't go to work Monday and Tuesday, but was able to make it by Wednesday and made it the whole day, which was great. I'm hoping to be back on my bike sometime this weekend, minus the hills and continue the promise I made to myself. I don't know if this was some sort of test that the fates had decided to put me through, or what, but other than that first day, I'm fairly proud of the way I've handled the situation. Granted I was laid up for four days, but I managed to keep from doing all sorts of boredom binging and stay within my restrictions the entire time making me feel even better about the choices that I had made.

There's still a very long road ahead with some nasty choices to be made, but I'm focusing on some short term goals ahead. A bike ride that doesn't include traction, a pedicure after I've reached my first 20lb loss and many others. So, here's to the choices we all make in our lives. Keep them good and let good things happen to you!

Choices, changes and chimichangas?

Friday, July 16, 2010

It's been a rough couple weeks for me. Ever since my doctor's appointment, I've been sliding down the drastic hill of depression. However, for me, I didn't know it, I mean, not really. It wasn't until last night after several nights of not really being able to sleep and feeling like I was going to pass out any second from crushing exhaustion that I took the time to really try to figure out what was swirling around in my head trying to come out. I was on my way to pick up the husband from work and going over everything when I realized that it was depression making me feel so tired and worn out and that's why I wasn't sleeping.

You see, sometimes I need a kick in the head to realize what I'm feeling because I spent the better part of my life suppressing most of my emotions. I was the strong one, the funny one, the one you could go to for support, but I wasn't going to be the one that broke down. I wasn't the one that cried about "everything." It took me a long time to even realize what I was doing to myself and what I was depriving myself of. My husband has been a great help in getting me to admit if there is a problem, he will actually point out something being wrong before I realize it then I am able to figure out what is going on. That's kind of what happened last night. When I finally opened up to him on the way home, he said he knew something was going on, but that he wasn't sure I was aware of it.

It wasn't until I finally opened up to him and let out that I was depressed and it was triggered by my appointment that I started to figure things out. The fact that I was given not a lot of hope that any surgery would happen anytime soon depressed me, also having to go to all sorts of other appointments to prepare for something that was not promised depressed me even more. I had to ask myself "am I ready for this?" "Do I have the ability to make it through all of this?" and with the fact that I had a crushing bit of depression just after my first appointment, not to mention the fact that I have managed to lose 9 pounds is saying something. So here I am, sitting on a major decision to make. Do I cancel my appointments (next one is next week for some scan) and continue on this journey of self discovery and life changes, or do I stay on track with all of these appointments getting hopes up then crashed again, not knowing what is coming around the next corner and having my self esteem trampled on by professionals? I still don't know. I'm giving myself the weekend to figure things out and talk more with friends and family for their input. Whatever decision I make, I am committing myself to a healthier and thinner me, but boy do I want a chimichanga! :)

Keep on Keeping on

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Oh emotions, why do you have to get in the way of everything? I've been a good girl lately. I've stayed on track with the diet, sticking to the 1400 calories per day and even trying to get more exercise. That is my nemesis, as with all other fat people of the world, exercise. The get up and go gene has totally passed us by and it's a struggle to do it. Once up and going, we are fine, at least I am, it's just the getting up and going part that always seems to stop me. They say to set an "appointment" with yourself to exercise. OK, I set the appointment, but then something else just happened, or the kitchen's a mess and I know I'm not going to have it in me to do both, and dinner still needs to be made and am I just rationalizing here? Yes I am. Those damn emotions getting in the way again. I feel defeated. I feel like a failure because I am where I am and the only hope to get out is to totally change my lifestyle for the better. Is that a bad thing, heck no. Will it make my life better, happier and more enjoyable? Absolutely! So, why then do I feel like absolute crap? I have no idea.

I had a complete food fail on Monday and I don't know if I'm still recovering from it or what. I ended up shorting myself about 300 calories and really felt it. The next day I was ravenous and light headed all day. I made up for it with a huge lunch of broccoli with hummus, a big salad and some laughing cow cheese and crackers. Then made creamy chicken and rice with corn and had a great bike ride with the husband. I feel much better today, but emotionally I'm a wreck. I haven't been sleeping well at night and it's just driving me down because I feel I don't have the energy to do anything. There is one bright spot to my day though. I got paid! I get to go grocery shopping and have actual food in the house and not the scavenger hunt food-o-rama it's been this last week. Now if I can just get the husband to quit suggesting we go out for dinner all will be much better. I don't think I'm quite ready for that challenge yet. I miss the goodness that is Beto's and Pasquale's and let's not even mention Eggie's, Sammie's and Crazy Sushi! I don't think I have the will power and proper state of mind to go out and order sensibly at this point.

So today's plan is get some grocery shopping done after work, make an excellent dinner and go for another bike ride tonight. I really did enjoy my ride last night and the fact that I was able to peddle for such long periods without having to coast gave me a big boost of confidence.

Until we meet again...

Reconnecting with my mini-me

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I spent the day today with my 8 year old niece and it was wonderful. I haven't seen her in a while and usually when I do see her it's at family dinners and such and we don't really get to 'hang out.' So, when my sister-in-law asked me to watch her today, I was stoked.

I headed to Woodland bright and early this morning to pick her up and we headed back to Sac with some thoughts of what we wanted to do today. We got back to my house and she wanted to play with the Wii since it's something she doesn't have and doesn't get to play with too often, so out comes Just Dance and we started bouncing around the living room. Next was Sports Resort and a bowling tournament and some sword fights before taking a break to go play Mancala. We played Mancala for a while then decided we wanted to go do pottery painting. We had done it last time we had a day together and had great fun, so we packed up and headed over to Alpha Ceramics to spend the afternoon painting.

We spent about three hours painting our projects, her a little sea turtle and kitty cat and me a gnome statue that I named Bill. :) After we finished our painting, we were starving so it was back home for some lunch, more Wii, more games and more fun. During this time I realized how alike she and I are. She is really a mini-me in how she competes in games and how she takes wins and losses. We are both fierce competitors but we will lose gracefully but love the win.

By the end of the day, we were both pooped, but had a great time and I was so happy that I was able to spend the time with her since I really don't see her much at all anymore. Here's Bill to prove that we did go pottery painting and what fun it was. :D

Took the leap and fell flat

Friday, July 9, 2010

I mentioned in my last post that there would be changes coming.  It's taken me a few days to get up the courage to write this post.  I'm still not sure how I feel about what is going on, but I think if I write it out and talk about it I might be better so here it goes.

I finally mustered up the courage and the resignation to make an appointment with a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I've been thinking of this off and on for years, but never really had the courage to do anything, but with my last attempts at dieting failing and all that happens is I get bigger I knew something had to be done.  So, Tuesday morning I went in for my first appointment.  You have to sit through a one hour "seminar" then you get your consult with the doctor.  The seminar wasn't anything but me and one other lady in a conference room with the doctor, his power point presentation and a laser pointer.  I didn't really learn anything new other than a few statistics that I could have gotten from my research on the internet, so it seemed like a waste of time, but I had told myself I would go through all of it, so there I sat trying to get all I could out of it.  After the seminar I had my consult with the doctor which didn't last too long and basically got summed up with him telling me I was too fat for surgery at this point, putting me on a diet and telling me to come back in 4 weeks.  I also have to have a bunch of blood work done and x-rays and later some other stuffs like sleep studies and psychological studies, not to mention another visit with a nutritionist, which I don't really learn anything from because my problem isn't not knowing how to eat right, it's just that I tend to make bad decisions and eat too much.  I guess admitting that to myself is something, isn't it?

So after leaving the doctors office, I was pretty depressed.  I had been told that I was too fat to have the surgery which had taken me a very long time to work up the nerve to admit to myself that I needed as that final tool to keep me in line with my food and that he didn't think I would be able to ride my bike to or from work for a while.  The quitter in me wanted to just say "fuck it" and go have a llama burger and Flaming Grill, but I reminded myself of what I want back in my life and have put myself back on the diet train.  Since my appointment on Tuesday, I have lost 7 pounds.  Most likely this is all water, but it still makes me feel good to drop that much so quickly.  I also rode my bike home from work yesterday which is a 3.5 mile ride and I did it in about 25 minutes.  I was fairly proud of myself because I hadn't done that in a while and I only had to walk up the one really big hill up to the levee, so all in all, that wasn't too bad and my doctor could just kiss my ass!

I'm still depressed that I've gotten this bad and don't know if I have the persistence to keep it up, but like I said if I write about it, maybe it will keep me honest and keep me going. I also have goals and I've told myself that this time I will reward myself along the way with something just for me. Welcome to the beginning of a very long journey and help me keep an eye on the light at the end of the tunnel because I know it's there.

Calorie Counter

A quiet fourth

Monday, July 5, 2010

Well, today is Monday and I just spent three very lazy but very nice days with my husband. During the week we don't get to see each other very much and we are lucky if we get one day during the weekend together if that. So, I was very excited when I heard that he was going to have Friday, Saturday AND Sunday off for the fourth. My office closed at noon on Friday, so I went in for a few short hours then came home just to be with him.

We had no grand plans, no huge party or bbq to go to, we just wanted to spend the time together and that's what we did. We did some chores around the house and ran a couple errands, but most of all we just spent the time with each other enjoying the time we had. We managed to get out of the house on Saturday to go to the store and get some ribs to smoke for the next day and I made a big mac salad that we've been munching on. So that was our big fourth of July. We smoked ribs, watched cheesy movies, lit some fireworks and had a wonderful time. It was the first time we had ever been alone for the fourth and we didn't feel like we missed out on anything.

I hope everyone else had a good holiday and kept it safe. Husband is back to work today while I have another day off so, here I am, back in the real world of laundry, dishes and what to make for dinner. Tomorrow is the possible start to a whole new journey. I don't know what is going to happen, but there could be big changes coming to our house so stay tuned.

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