Choices, changes and chimichangas?

Friday, July 16, 2010

It's been a rough couple weeks for me. Ever since my doctor's appointment, I've been sliding down the drastic hill of depression. However, for me, I didn't know it, I mean, not really. It wasn't until last night after several nights of not really being able to sleep and feeling like I was going to pass out any second from crushing exhaustion that I took the time to really try to figure out what was swirling around in my head trying to come out. I was on my way to pick up the husband from work and going over everything when I realized that it was depression making me feel so tired and worn out and that's why I wasn't sleeping.

You see, sometimes I need a kick in the head to realize what I'm feeling because I spent the better part of my life suppressing most of my emotions. I was the strong one, the funny one, the one you could go to for support, but I wasn't going to be the one that broke down. I wasn't the one that cried about "everything." It took me a long time to even realize what I was doing to myself and what I was depriving myself of. My husband has been a great help in getting me to admit if there is a problem, he will actually point out something being wrong before I realize it then I am able to figure out what is going on. That's kind of what happened last night. When I finally opened up to him on the way home, he said he knew something was going on, but that he wasn't sure I was aware of it.

It wasn't until I finally opened up to him and let out that I was depressed and it was triggered by my appointment that I started to figure things out. The fact that I was given not a lot of hope that any surgery would happen anytime soon depressed me, also having to go to all sorts of other appointments to prepare for something that was not promised depressed me even more. I had to ask myself "am I ready for this?" "Do I have the ability to make it through all of this?" and with the fact that I had a crushing bit of depression just after my first appointment, not to mention the fact that I have managed to lose 9 pounds is saying something. So here I am, sitting on a major decision to make. Do I cancel my appointments (next one is next week for some scan) and continue on this journey of self discovery and life changes, or do I stay on track with all of these appointments getting hopes up then crashed again, not knowing what is coming around the next corner and having my self esteem trampled on by professionals? I still don't know. I'm giving myself the weekend to figure things out and talk more with friends and family for their input. Whatever decision I make, I am committing myself to a healthier and thinner me, but boy do I want a chimichanga! :)


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