Took the leap and fell flat

Friday, July 9, 2010

I mentioned in my last post that there would be changes coming.  It's taken me a few days to get up the courage to write this post.  I'm still not sure how I feel about what is going on, but I think if I write it out and talk about it I might be better so here it goes.

I finally mustered up the courage and the resignation to make an appointment with a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I've been thinking of this off and on for years, but never really had the courage to do anything, but with my last attempts at dieting failing and all that happens is I get bigger I knew something had to be done.  So, Tuesday morning I went in for my first appointment.  You have to sit through a one hour "seminar" then you get your consult with the doctor.  The seminar wasn't anything but me and one other lady in a conference room with the doctor, his power point presentation and a laser pointer.  I didn't really learn anything new other than a few statistics that I could have gotten from my research on the internet, so it seemed like a waste of time, but I had told myself I would go through all of it, so there I sat trying to get all I could out of it.  After the seminar I had my consult with the doctor which didn't last too long and basically got summed up with him telling me I was too fat for surgery at this point, putting me on a diet and telling me to come back in 4 weeks.  I also have to have a bunch of blood work done and x-rays and later some other stuffs like sleep studies and psychological studies, not to mention another visit with a nutritionist, which I don't really learn anything from because my problem isn't not knowing how to eat right, it's just that I tend to make bad decisions and eat too much.  I guess admitting that to myself is something, isn't it?

So after leaving the doctors office, I was pretty depressed.  I had been told that I was too fat to have the surgery which had taken me a very long time to work up the nerve to admit to myself that I needed as that final tool to keep me in line with my food and that he didn't think I would be able to ride my bike to or from work for a while.  The quitter in me wanted to just say "fuck it" and go have a llama burger and Flaming Grill, but I reminded myself of what I want back in my life and have put myself back on the diet train.  Since my appointment on Tuesday, I have lost 7 pounds.  Most likely this is all water, but it still makes me feel good to drop that much so quickly.  I also rode my bike home from work yesterday which is a 3.5 mile ride and I did it in about 25 minutes.  I was fairly proud of myself because I hadn't done that in a while and I only had to walk up the one really big hill up to the levee, so all in all, that wasn't too bad and my doctor could just kiss my ass!

I'm still depressed that I've gotten this bad and don't know if I have the persistence to keep it up, but like I said if I write about it, maybe it will keep me honest and keep me going. I also have goals and I've told myself that this time I will reward myself along the way with something just for me. Welcome to the beginning of a very long journey and help me keep an eye on the light at the end of the tunnel because I know it's there.

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