Sometimes You Just Gotta Whine and Get it Out

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I woke up this morning after a very restless night only to find out that my phone had died overnight and I was already an hour and a half late for waking up. (GREAT!) Well, nothing to do about it, but just get up and start the day, right? I suppose so. Just another hill to climb in this life of mine. And that's what it has been feeling like lately, nothing but hills. Normally I trudge up them and try not to complain too much, but this time I just felt like sitting back and giving that hill in front of me the bird. I didn't want to try to figure a way to make up for the time I am losing at work today being late, I didn't want to jury-rig something to make it fit or use whatever meager resources I have to fill in the holes. I'm tired.

I'm tired of having to do things the hard way. I miss the days when I was ignorant and could just pop something from a box into the microwave and not have to worry about what sort of chemicals I was about to eat or how much extra sugar and salt is in that food or even what the microwave was doing to this processed food. Now even heating up something involves pots and pans that then have to be washed by hand because we don't own a dishwasher and takes more time to do. Dishes now stack up faster than I can keep up. Cooking everything from scratch means that if you want something to eat, you have to make it, all of it. If there is no bread for toast or a sandwich it means that no one made that bread. If you want something to put on that toast, you better hope there is another jar of jam in the pantry from what you canned in the summer. Pizza night involves waiting for the dough to rise instead of the pizza guy to show up. Having chicken for dinner? Save those bones in the freezer with your vegetable cuttings because you're going to have to make chicken stock to have soup another day. The hard way sucks. It's what it is... hard. But it also saves a ton of money and we know what goes into our food so we do it.

I'm tired of being poor all the time. It is a week until payday and I have $6.00 to my name. Yes, you read that right, I have $6.00 in my checking account. There is no savings because when you get down to this amount twice a month it makes it harder to cut expenses. Could I cut more? Yes. Do I want to? Not really. Am I going to have to? You bet! What makes this even worse is now I legally have to get health insurance for my husband or be fined for not doing so. So, I will choose to add him to my insurance and have it deducted from my paycheck and we will make due. I now say good bye to date nights with the husband going out to restaurants we love and memberships to wine clubs we enjoy. These may sound extravagant to others, but it's all we really have. I don't spend money on anything else. I don't have money to spend on anything else. I have holes in my clothes, a crack in my windshield on my car, a crack in my bathtub, and a kitchen that is half torn up just waiting for a make over. I spent less than $40 on 100lbs of tomatoes and made 4 different types of marinara sauce over a two week period and canned approx 30 jars of sauce. All of that just so I don't have to spend $2-$4 a jar on pasta sauce.

I'm tired of being "the one." You know that person. The one who everyone goes to when they have a question, or need something done because it's just easier than having to figure it out for themselves. The one that has to run the errands, figure out the solution to the problem, do the research, fix the program, build the report, make the decision, contact the people, make the reservation, pick the details, be the bad guy, be the one. I don't want to have to come home from a 9 hour work day, try to figure out what to make for dinner, start laundry, do the dishes, manage the dogs and know that I'm still neglecting my volunteer work then feel guilty for wanting some peace and quiet after everything is said and done.

I think it's time to go find some cheese for all this whine I have going on and pull up my big girl panties (even though they have holes in them.) I got out what I needed to get out and now need to tackle my mountains for the day and find a way to make them seem more like the mole hills they truly are. In the end, I have a job that pays me a decent salary and all my bills are paid, I am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend, I have a pack of crazy-loveable dogs that make me smile every day, I have wonderful friends that have and will always be there for me and I get to volunteer for an organization that I feel passionate about with people that inspire me daily. Life ain't that bad, it's just how you look at it.

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